I don't intentionally try to be alone............

Jac has headed off to the United States on a business trip and I am pretty certain that I'll have a minimal amount of conversations outside of work for the next week.

I wonder how many conversations I'll have outside of work and not with a shop person, during the next week? I'm going to keep a track of this as I don't believe I have any regular close friends.

I've just returned from the airport and whilst parking the car realised that I was going to be pretty lonely this week, I walked in the house and found myself starting to feel a bit sad with the thought that life was going to be lonely. I don't really understand why but it has been like this since I can remember, School, Army and life in genera, apart from with family. This may have something to do with moving around so much but I believe there could be something more.

I thought that I was a nice guy, not angry or bitter but I just don't have the same connections with others, I've wondered if I was just different. Any friendships that appear to be being close happen to go distant, is this because I've pushed them away, is it because I come across too needy or controlling; I don't think it is, but I know that I'm not funny, I can come out with a witty remark and can be humorous, but I'm not really funny, I don't follow international affairs closely, but nor do others, I'm not lost when there's a conversation going on and do add to it in an appropriate place. Really, I maybe wrong but it could be plain and simple, I could be just plain old boring.

I don't have a great love of motorsports, I don't know loads about motor bikes and I don't seem to have a lot in common with people of my age. I had kids when I was in my early 20's, which is really different to most. Now that I'm in my 40"s, I have a grown up family whilst most others have kids at home to consider. I've gone through my adult life being in a minority group. I don't really enjoy spending so much time alone but its pretty apparent that this is to be.

I guess that this is life, especially since I had my stroke. Either people don't want to know me because they think I'm damaged goods and people don't want to take the risk or I don't have a lot going in my personality. I'll see what the future holds but I won't be desperate in trying to make friends. Friendship, I believe is good fun and is give and take. I'm just not gonna keep giving without receiving,

I believe that it wasn't too much to ask that my friends show themselves in my time of need, sadly these were few and now I've got to come to terms with that. It's pretty hard to accept but I know that I don't need others to enjoy my life.