Where the hell is the road............?

Whilst in rehab I thought that once out of there I would be taking a well trodden road to recovery, sadly I was completely wrong and so the following paragraphs portray.

I was fresh out of rehab when I made contact with a support group under the assumption that they could be my guide and partner on the route that I'd just begun, I was disappointed and soon left this support group as I felt they'd accepted their situation and this wasn't where I was happy to be at this time. Surely this wasn't how I was going to end up, I was pretty unsteady with walking (like a drunk person trying to act sober), had speech issues and had severe right side weakness. I've didn't go back to this group as I believed that these were people not on the correct road but resigned to remaining on the ring-road in the slow lane.

I took this experience as a positive, in that this was not the right way to go. I sent a couple of emails, basically looking for someone to point me in the right direction, and ended up indicating to a few people that I was out here and was looking for guidance. I received a couple of responses, nothing specific and did nothing with some very generic information.

I was seeing various therapists from the public hospital and received a mixed bag of support, knowledge and help. I asked these people for directions as I was still looking for the correct road and even asked these people if there was anyone they knew of, that was also looking for the same road as I, and did they have their details. I ended up being let go by this group as they'd done all they could for me; I was safe to be out on my own in the community, but I wanted more. They'd helped me down a road and left me at the side of a road and said goodbye leaving me in the middle of nowhere, I didn't know where I was or which direction to take, grateful for what they'd done but disappointed that they couldn't point me in any direction.

I was still looking out to see if there was anyone with some directions, and met up with one person that was also on this road, lost but seemingly content with how he was going. I only stuck with this guy for a short time as I found he was too open with his condition and wanted to inform anyone that would listen. I don't know if he was looking for sympathy or to be honoured as a hero, either way I was uncomfortable with this behaviour and set off on the journey by myself again.

I continued to look for a signpost or guide and kept travelling on. I spoke to someone who was on what appeared to be an over-pass overhead, there was no way to join them on that road but we had a good chat. I was told that there wasn't any signposts or someone to guide me, but as they couldn't stop still they wished me well on my journey and we departed. I moved on down this road, knowing that it was the right direction and also knowing there was no guide or signposts. This new information was disappointing but not a shock as there hadn't been any direction arrows for quite some time.

I felt better knowing that I was on the correct road, the concern that I was just not able to see the road signs. Finding that there was someone who had travelled this road, although unmarked, enabled me trust in my instincts.

I knew that I was on the correct road and now had came to the conclusion that I could keep looking or head-off with a purpose. I chose the latter and proceeded to go with my gut feeling, as I'd made my way through some serious fog and followed this road in the what I now knew to be the correct direction.

I took on water aerobics as I didn't feel confidant in going to a gym, I took up pilates and went to weekly classes as I knew and felt that I'd lost some of my flexibility. This also helped fix my core strength, which was also severely affected. I also obtained a weight bench to strengthen my arms and legs, as well as borrowing a friend's treadmill. These activities helped me tremendously, I knew and could feel things improving, noticing changes every couple of days. These weren't obvious changes, however I was amazed at the improvements and could feel the benefits. I also chose to stimulate my mind/memory by using some specialised computer software. This also helped my typing, reactions and fine motor skills in moving the mouse. In addition to all of this I also used childrens' writing books to remind me how to form characters. I found that although I could read, I'd forgotten how to write. After putting together a timetable of activities, mixing up these activities so as to not be bored and taking time out to take in walks, I found that things were improving.

I continued down this path for some time, I didn't feel that I was unsure of where to go and the path looked to be clearer the further down I was going. I still didn't have a guide but I was more confident in the direction I was headed. The road appeared to be endless but it was like I'd reached a high point in my journey and could see both the end of the journey and the road meandering a path in front of me.

Although I'm still on this journey, walking down this road, and occasionally running, I know the road is heading in the right direction; I'm uncertain that it will take me to the destination I wanted initially, but happy in the knowledge that it'll take me really close. I'm not too concerned that I may end up a little bit off where I'd intended, I never was perfect at map reading and the place I end up in will be better than my original destination.

I can't say that going with your gut will always bring you great results - I still remember how bad I am at picking greyhounds - however I would say that when stuck with a tough decision, go with your gut. I've lived my life by this and can honestly say that whenever I'd gone against my gut feeling in my early years I always regretted it.

And so my time of living at home came to an end..............Boarding School

I was at the tender age of 7 years when this came about, my brother had been at boarding school for a year and all the talk was about sending my sister within the next year. My parents didn’t want to send us, we weren’t anarchic children, its just dad was in the army and knew that we’d be moving every 3 years, therefore they agreed that boarding school was going to be our best start for an education.

So activities in the house-hold were for my sister to go to a new school. She was having lots of new clothes, new things and I was 6 and looking on with green eyes. One day, probably whilst in the kitchen, after being given wrong for something and very likely not long after being belted for breaking the tip of my brothers sheath knife, I told my mum that she didn’t love me and proceeded to tell her that it was because they’d sent my brother to boarding school and would be sending my sister as well. I was jealous of my siblings and wanted a share of this boarding school action.

Discussions obviously took place when my dad returned from work and all I remember is that we were looking at where I could go. It was all a bit of a rush job as I only visited the school that I ended up attending. It was an hour outside of London, at the north coast of Kent, Grenham House in Birchington.

After visiting the school and thinking that it was fantastic, it had a large sports field, a tennis court and was close to the beach. I was really excited to be going to this place. In the forth coming months I was going shopping, being measured for clothing and receiving loads of new stuff:  what 6 year old wouldn’t love all this?

I don’t remember much about the day I started but can remember components of my years here. We had 6 classes, these were split up roughly between year groups, I ended up being moved at the end of every year, I didn’t know if this was a promotion but I do remember doing really well in the exams and coming in the top 3 of the class. I was never first in English as I remember the guy always received a book. I did come first in Maths however I don’t remember receiving anything apart from acknowledgement from the headmaster.

Class 6 was the youngsters, we had a teacher called Miss McKenzie ( I don’t know how I remember that, maybe I was obsessed) who wore floral dresses. One memory is that we’d ask her to retrieve stuff off the higher shelves, she’d end up standing on the desk to reach and I’d peak up her dress: on one occasion she had on matching flowery panties. I guess this was when my interest in the female anatomy sparked.

We had a school bell that was rung to let the pupils playing outside it was time to go in for the night. On this memorable occasion it was summer and there were quite a few kids out playing, the bell went signifying to the first years that they had to go in. This boy ran past us and was heading inside when he ran into the side of a wall, being kids we thought this was funny and giggled. He didn’t move and so we proceeded to carry him to the nurse. There were at least eight boys trying to move him and it was decided to send a runner to inform the nurse that we were on our way and what had happened. We continued moving this boy and then someone noticed a wet patch increasing in his groin area. This caused hilarity amongst us kids and once we’d regained our composure proceeded to take this boy to the nurse. We ended up bumping his head a couple of times, once on the steps leading to the nurse’s room. We delivered this boy to the nurse and then headed off to prepare for bed. We were told in assembly the next morning that this boy had died, I can’t remember his name but they built a library in his memory.

I was really fortunate that I was introduced to hockey here, I was 7 when I first picked up a stick, I wasn’t immediately fantastic and had to wait until I was 8 to find out that this was the sport for me. At 11 years I was playing for the 1st XI, they were all 12 and 13 years of age. There was one match, played annually, were we were playing a ladies under 18’s team. This match was against the Westgate Ladies and a write up was always in the local paper. We lost 1-3 but I did score and for the first time was reading read my name in the newspaper as one of the goal scorers.



It was here that I met my oldest mate of whom I'm still in touch, even if it is occasionally, and am connected through Facebook. We last saw each other at 16, as we ended up going to the same secondary school.

I was 10 years old and therefore planning to move on to secondary school. I had to sit examinations to be invited into the school. I passed these as well as my 11+. The 11+ was an examination taken prior to attending secondary school and identified if you went to a grammar school. Thankfully I didn’t need my 11+ and it was only I who bothered that I passed; perhaps I should stop using this as a qualification, now.

I moved on from Grenham House at the end of the school year all excited about entering the Duke of York’s Royal Military School. I wonder why I ended up in the army.

Returning to Work

Returning to work has become a bit of my pet subject lately. After undergoing this process myself recently and finding the whole task extremely frustrating, disappointing and upsetting, I’ve realised the extent of trauma I was trying to overcome.

I wasn’t just trying to obtain a job, I was trying to regain some control in my life. By having a job, this would enable me to have something else to focus my attention on: instead of the focus being all about me I would have to undertake regular tasks.

I had to also overcome the understandable scepticism there is about employing someone that is returning from a chronic illness. I found that people who knew me were reluctant to push roles my way and even avoided having an awkward phone call. New agencies failed to return my applications once making them aware of my situation, even though there had been in contact prior to them being made aware. Although I can understand their reluctance in taking on a return to work candidate, it doesn’t mean their attitude should be acceptable.

I had a fair idea on my own ability and needed to show people that I was not the risk that they perceived I could have been. I was hopeful that the reputation I had prior to the event would ‘ve stood me in good stead with any ex-colleagues or associates, however this appeared to only count with one person, who kept in contact, once I’d instigated and made him aware of my current position. This guy seemed to actually listen to me and didn’t seem to be driven by the bottom line. It was a shame that more people weren’t this way inclined, maybe there was a case of being afraid of the unknown but some of that could’ve been cleared up from a catch up or a disicussion.

I knew that I couldn’t hope to come back in the same role as I used to hold, thankfully being a program manager there were a few angles for me to take. I was hopeful to pick up a role that had no responsibility, had someone overseeing my outputs and someone that could point me in the correct direction if I was making basic errors. It was a case of “I didn’t know what I didn’t know”. Which may sounds silly but when you’ve forgotten something that you know you once knew, anything’s possible.

I knew that I was being really hopeful in what I was wishing for and believed that if a program management office was just trying to start up, then that would be the role for me.

I must’ve been weeding amongst four leaved clovers one day, as I received a phone call from Mark, the person that was trying to help me. He asked me if I’d had any luck and proceeded to discuss an availability that had recently arisen from a brief conversation. I was asked to go in the next day and meet up with the guy I’d be working with. Thankfully I’d been successful with an interview with this guy 3 years ago, the role fell through but I’d obviously made a positive impression with him. I went for the chat, talking about the role and returning to work and the role was exactly what I’d been hoping for.

The only problem with taking this role was my pride. It was basically not my train set anymore, which may sound a bit funny but that was the hardest part of taking this role. We were both extremely honest with each other at the interview and left it with both of us having the opportunity to think on it.

After talking the offer out with my wife, we both agreed that this was an opportunity that I couldn’t turn my back on, I rang Mark back to provide him my response and then had to wait to be told if there was a position for me. This was suddenly a really nervous wait for that phone call to come in.

I only had to wait 24 hours when Mark advised me that the position was mine. This was a great result but only the start of what was to become a journey that I didn’t know I was going to go on.

I’ve learnt from this experience that trying to return to work is a hurdle in its own right, I’m therefore working towards making this easier for others that are in this situation and hope to share some good news in the near future.

Friends

True friends stab you in the front.

Oscar Wilde

I've recently wondered about friendships and have come to the conclusion that it's pretty simple, just made complex because I just didn't understand it. Now that's changed and I can't believe that I didn't see it sooner.

Friendships form an important part of our life, but as life's a journey then why did I get upset when some friendships weren't consistent along the path I'd chosen.

There are plenty of different types of friends and not all of them are for the duration of one's journey.

There are many forms of friendships, Short term, long term, social, a period in time, relative, colleague

Just because you don't have a friendship at this precise moment in time, you have to understand that this doesn't represent what you may of had in your past. Don't be upset when you try a revisit old friendships and it isn't the same. You've both moved on from that point in time, had different experiences and also may have different perceptions of life. It doesn't hurt to catch up but don't go looking for friendships that were literally a point in time.

Work colleagues, team members, etc... are exactly that, they don't move on when you do. There are friendships that can fall into more than one category, which may mean that someone you meet as a work colleague can become a long term friend. There doesn't seem to be a set rule for this and we don't have badges to identify the type of friend one is, however everyone seems to know their place.

The ending of friendships doesn't always have to be caused from a disagreement, although that's a pretty sound way of closing the deal. Others relationships just extinguish if left alone.

Close friendships are few and far between, you can be long term friends that aren't close but you seem to only have a few really close friends. These are friends that you know you'd literally do anything for. To have friends like these is fantastic, you don't have to work at being friends with these people and know that you can pick up your friendship from where you left it.

I'm lucky enough to have a few people that I'd literally drop everything to be there for. I know they'll not have to ask but I know also that I will be there.

Friendship - I now get it

And so it began..........

Hi,

I suppose it was inevitable but I just never new.

It was only from writing an innocuous piece on the train on Thursday that has led to me starting up a blog. I'd started putting pen to paper in regards to returning to work after 6 months from being struck down from a stroke.

My thoughts on the blog is that It'll be a bit of every day life and experiences as well as writing pieces in regards to the stroke, my recovery and what I've taken from this episode in my life.

I'm amazed that I haven't stated undertaking something like this sooner, I've never thought of keeping a diary or writing down my experiences but can start to see the benefits of writing life's experiences as a totally new perspective is obtained.

About me a little, I was born in Malaysia, grew up in England, went to boarding school from the age of 7, there's a little story to that. Joined the army at 16 and served until I was 31. Went into the telecoms industry and migrated to Australia. I've been married, twice, have 2 kids, one or them estranged. Have a brother and Sister as well as my Mum in the UK.

I guess there's some decent stuff in there to write about, so I guess I'll use this blog to go into detail on some of these points too.

I guess we'll end it there for today but I feel excited with how this could go.