Whilst in rehab I thought that once out of there I would be taking a well trodden road to recovery, sadly I was completely wrong and so the following paragraphs portray.
I was fresh out of rehab when I made contact with a support group under the assumption that they could be my guide and partner on the route that I'd just begun, I was disappointed and soon left this support group as I felt they'd accepted their situation and this wasn't where I was happy to be at this time. Surely this wasn't how I was going to end up, I was pretty unsteady with walking (like a drunk person trying to act sober), had speech issues and had severe right side weakness. I've didn't go back to this group as I believed that these were people not on the correct road but resigned to remaining on the ring-road in the slow lane.
I took this experience as a positive, in that this was not the right way to go. I sent a couple of emails, basically looking for someone to point me in the right direction, and ended up indicating to a few people that I was out here and was looking for guidance. I received a couple of responses, nothing specific and did nothing with some very generic information.
I was seeing various therapists from the public hospital and received a mixed bag of support, knowledge and help. I asked these people for directions as I was still looking for the correct road and even asked these people if there was anyone they knew of, that was also looking for the same road as I, and did they have their details. I ended up being let go by this group as they'd done all they could for me; I was safe to be out on my own in the community, but I wanted more. They'd helped me down a road and left me at the side of a road and said goodbye leaving me in the middle of nowhere, I didn't know where I was or which direction to take, grateful for what they'd done but disappointed that they couldn't point me in any direction.
I was still looking out to see if there was anyone with some directions, and met up with one person that was also on this road, lost but seemingly content with how he was going. I only stuck with this guy for a short time as I found he was too open with his condition and wanted to inform anyone that would listen. I don't know if he was looking for sympathy or to be honoured as a hero, either way I was uncomfortable with this behaviour and set off on the journey by myself again.
I continued to look for a signpost or guide and kept travelling on. I spoke to someone who was on what appeared to be an over-pass overhead, there was no way to join them on that road but we had a good chat. I was told that there wasn't any signposts or someone to guide me, but as they couldn't stop still they wished me well on my journey and we departed. I moved on down this road, knowing that it was the right direction and also knowing there was no guide or signposts. This new information was disappointing but not a shock as there hadn't been any direction arrows for quite some time.
I felt better knowing that I was on the correct road, the concern that I was just not able to see the road signs. Finding that there was someone who had travelled this road, although unmarked, enabled me trust in my instincts.
I knew that I was on the correct road and now had came to the conclusion that I could keep looking or head-off with a purpose. I chose the latter and proceeded to go with my gut feeling, as I'd made my way through some serious fog and followed this road in the what I now knew to be the correct direction.
I took on water aerobics as I didn't feel confidant in going to a gym, I took up pilates and went to weekly classes as I knew and felt that I'd lost some of my flexibility. This also helped fix my core strength, which was also severely affected. I also obtained a weight bench to strengthen my arms and legs, as well as borrowing a friend's treadmill. These activities helped me tremendously, I knew and could feel things improving, noticing changes every couple of days. These weren't obvious changes, however I was amazed at the improvements and could feel the benefits. I also chose to stimulate my mind/memory by using some specialised computer software. This also helped my typing, reactions and fine motor skills in moving the mouse. In addition to all of this I also used childrens' writing books to remind me how to form characters. I found that although I could read, I'd forgotten how to write. After putting together a timetable of activities, mixing up these activities so as to not be bored and taking time out to take in walks, I found that things were improving.
I continued down this path for some time, I didn't feel that I was unsure of where to go and the path looked to be clearer the further down I was going. I still didn't have a guide but I was more confident in the direction I was headed. The road appeared to be endless but it was like I'd reached a high point in my journey and could see both the end of the journey and the road meandering a path in front of me.
Although I'm still on this journey, walking down this road, and occasionally running, I know the road is heading in the right direction; I'm uncertain that it will take me to the destination I wanted initially, but happy in the knowledge that it'll take me really close. I'm not too concerned that I may end up a little bit off where I'd intended, I never was perfect at map reading and the place I end up in will be better than my original destination.
I can't say that going with your gut will always bring you great results - I still remember how bad I am at picking greyhounds - however I would say that when stuck with a tough decision, go with your gut. I've lived my life by this and can honestly say that whenever I'd gone against my gut feeling in my early years I always regretted it.
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